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Title: Four srikes into exile. Post by: Kakita Miki on September 17, 2011, 10:25:43 AM (Since it would be useful for them to be out there, and it would make sense.... The rumors will be posted here. Not all true or false. Just... rumors.
1) She hates the lion because one of them beat her in the Topaz Championship... 2) She deliberately murdered a lion in a duel to first blood because he insulted her charge/her. 3) She publicly claimed that the lion had received the judgment of heaven for his sins; that he deserved to die. 4) After she left, a pair of lion performed the three cuts; though the cause of their shame was unknown.) The First Strike: The voices of the crowd, overwhelmingly loud only moments before, had faded into the void. The sound was nothing more than a wave of pressure, washing over the Kakita maiden who stood in that grassy ring. Sakura petals swirled in the crisp spring breeze; and the judge gave the order to begin the second match; to settle the kharmic strike for the Topaz championship. The warm flow of blood down her side was a strange feeling, but one which the girl acknowledged and then dismissed. She experienced everything; focusing on nothing. The thunder of her heartbeat, slow and majestic, was the only thing she could hear in the shuddering air. Around her, invisible to the eyes of the body, was a rising surge of blue flame; dancing like water and laughing like the wind. A cold tempest which scorched the void with its intensity. There… across from her… another stood. A thin line of blood along his cheek dripped a single drop of crimson life to the grass. Around him was the crackling image of a lion; wreathed in lightning. Both spirits… both souls… stared into the depths of the other. And then, in unison, two hands moved. Ten fingers grasped around the hilts of two swords. One leapt free of the scabbard, one caught, pain making the draw clumsy… slow. The lion bowed, and claimed his prize. The Crane bowed, and left the field; a trail of bloody footprints in her wake; a flower crushed rudely underfoot. The Second Strike: A Kakita maiden settled down before the low table, her Katana before her. Slowly, reverently, she began to clean it of the reddish stains which had settled onto the blade. She worked in silence for a time, and then there were slow, tentative footsteps. The woman rose, turning to face the newcomer, a pale Doji, wrapped in a simple blue kimono. “Well? What is your report? Is the insult laid to rest?” The Kakita bowed deeply from the waist. “I struck first, my lady.” The silence stretched out for a moment, and then the Doji motioned for the duelist to rise. “I see.” The Kakita gazed at her charge with a certain forlorn despair. Finally, she asked, in a resigned tone, “What did the healer say?” Another drawn out pause… “I’m going to die.” Tears, of sadness or frustration, began to well up in the Kakita’s eyes, but her charge waved her hand dismissively. “It’s too late for that. Clean your sword; your time is not spent. Keep serving; that is all I ask.” “Yes my lady.” The Third Strike: It was late, the night was dragging on, and in the lion keep, high in the guest rooms, there was a man mad with grief and rage. The Lion stalked through the Crane quarters, eyes tracking left and right, searching for… something… someone… In time, his prowling took him to the room of the young Doji courtier, lying faint and pale, her skin glowing like alabaster in the moonlight. It was a sight that would turn any man’s heart; stir compassion, love, lust… many things. Tonight, it merely spurred his rage. Slowly unsheathing his blade, so as not to wake her, he hissed between his teeth. “Your Yojimbo serves you ill, wench.” Drawing back his blade, he paused as he felt a sudden sting across his throat. A frown spread across his face, and he reached up to feel it. “I wouldn’t, if I were you.” The man turned, and felt the pain in his neck intensify. The warm flush of blood began to spread down his chest. Stepping out of the shadow beneath the window, the Kakita sighed, her blade flickering as it traced a beautiful pattern in the air, flicking away the blood and disappearing back into its sheath as quickly as it had appeared. The lion’s eyes bulged with hatred, and he took a staggering step towards the girl, but his vision was already growing hazy, and his voice couldn’t seem to make a sound. The last thing he heard was her smooth, alto voice. “Such a dishonorable thing to do Ikoma-san… and now I have to clean my sword again... in the same night...” The Fourth Strike: The Doji stirred, and then curled into a ball as a series of horrible wracking coughs shook her tiny frame. Finally, they passed, and she gazed up at the ceiling, and her Yojimbo's concerned features; lit faintly in the moonlight. She parted those delicate, perfect lips, and whispered, "... why... do I smell... blood?" "There was one who did not believe the heaven's verdict, my lady... but do not speak. I will get your medicine..." The Doji listened as her Yojimbo busied herself by the tea set, stirring only when there was a faint clunk, and a stifled curse. "What?" "I dropped the medicine bottle... but don't worry... there is plenty left." The doji chuckled, a horrible sound which degenerated into more hideous coughing. The Kakita gazed at her charge with fear written across her features, before returning to her work. Finishing the tea. She had just placed it upon a tray when she glanced at the flowers arranged on the table; they had the medicine spilled upon them. The medicine provided by their host. They had wilted. She stared for a long time. The doji coughed, and then asked her, quietly. "Is something wrong?" Her voice was wet with blood; her body failing so quickly. She wouldn't survive for long, no matter what happened. There was no saving her now. "It's almost ready my lady..." Tears coursed down her face as she took the bottle, and emptied most of it into the pot. She poured a cup; her charge took it with a nod. "Thank you Miki-chan..." "Don't... just rest... the pain will go away soon." Not long after, the Doji was still. Miki hugged her knees to her chest and sat against the wall, in the shadows. The only sound was her slow, pained sobbing. Title: Re: Three Draws to Exile Post by: Kitsuki Masakaze on September 17, 2011, 10:39:42 AM Nice story although I was a little confused with exactly what happened. So... she was bleeding from the foot and he was bleeding from the face from... something? Then there was a duel and... the Kakita's sword was slower but somehow you struck first? And then a healer says someone is going to die. Some sort of disease? What was the duel for then? Sorry, it's 1.43am so I am probably tired!
Title: Re: Three Draws to Exile Post by: Yoritomo Amano on September 17, 2011, 10:41:27 AM Excellent format, I'm glad I thought of it. ;)
I rather enjoyed the narrative, very evocative and detailed without needless verbosity. And as Masakaze-san pointed out, there was a bit of confusion, but I kind of like that sort of thing. Title: Re: Three Draws to Exile Post by: Kakita Miki on September 17, 2011, 10:48:19 AM They are incomplete snapshots. These are three chronologically separate scenes.
I'm not giving you the full story, sorry. That has to come out IC. As for the first one, it is a second duel, after a kharmic strike. Blood was running down from her side to her leg. Sorry if that was not clear. Title: Re: Three Draws to Exile Post by: Yoritomo Virendra on September 17, 2011, 10:55:56 AM Hmm, I didn't see any confusion.
I liked it! ;D Title: Re: Three Draws to Exile Post by: Kitsuki Masakaze on September 17, 2011, 11:08:07 AM They are incomplete snapshots. These are three chronologically separate scenes. I'm not giving you the full story, sorry. That has to come out IC. As for the first one, it is a second duel, after a kharmic strike. Blood was running down from her side to her leg. Sorry if that was not clear. Thanks for the explanation. I think snapshots can work well but incomplete ones do run the risk of being confusing. Is my intepretation that your Kakita thought she struck first then, even though she did not/they struck at the same time, correct? Or was she referring to the 2nd cut and saying that she struck first then? If so, it'd contradict what you seemed to write unless the Kakita was just misremembering? Finally, after a kharmic strike, the duel is meant to be settled. Both sides are meant to drop the issue as kharma and the heavens have warned them not to continue. Seems a bit odd for the fight to continue therefore. Still, now that I know what you were going for more precisely, I can better appreciate all three scenes. Thanks again. And it's fine about the full story - I don't think any of these are meant to be full stories. Only scenes and interesting bits for people to get a taste for one's character, not to eat a three course meal of them ^_^ Title: Re: Three Draws to Exile Post by: Kakita Miki on September 17, 2011, 11:15:11 AM Each draw is a totally separate event.
The first one is a competition, and they had to have a winner... Topaz Tournament and all that... I can't really spell it all out without ruining it. Sorry. Title: Re: Three Draws to Exile Post by: Bob From Accounting on September 17, 2011, 12:24:02 PM Very fun read. It was intense. One suggestion. Name each flashpoint: First Strike, Second Strike, Third Strike. It adds a bit more to the story, and puts more weight on each section. Adding density to the entire story. Though that's just my probably over-analyzed opinion.
Title: Re: Three Draws to Exile Post by: Kitsuki Yasuko on September 27, 2011, 06:47:58 PM It is intense and well-written, but I feel that these snapshots are confusing and incomplete. Now, that might have been deliberately, but it's slightly frustrating to read.
Title: Re: Three Draws to Exile Post by: Kakita Miki on September 27, 2011, 08:29:11 PM It is intense and well-written, but I feel that these snapshots are confusing and incomplete. Now, that might have been deliberately, but it's slightly frustrating to read. It was deliberate. Knowing the rumors about her would help it make sense... sort of. So, since it would be useful for them to be out there, and it would make sense.... The rumors will be posted here. Not all true or false. Just... rumors. 1) She hates the lion because one of them beat her in the Topaz Championship... 2) She deliberately murdered a lion in a duel to first blood because he insulted her charge/her. 3) She publicly claimed that the lion had received the judgment of heaven for his sins; that he deserved to die. Title: Re: Three Draws to Exile Post by: Shinjo Shu on September 28, 2011, 02:37:50 AM Mmm gritty.
Title: Re: Four srikes into exile Post by: Kakita Miki on October 01, 2011, 10:47:28 PM Updated and expanded.
Figured I'd give away one more piece of the puzzle... Title: Re: Four srikes into exile. Post by: Kitsuki Masakaze on October 02, 2011, 05:13:34 PM I liked the fourth mini-story the most so far. Yikes. I will have to ask about that in character. Someone was poisoning the Doji?! Must find out the host...
Title: Re: Four srikes into exile. Post by: Kakita Miki on October 02, 2011, 06:08:10 PM I liked the fourth mini-story the most so far. Yikes. I will have to ask about that in character. Someone was poisoning the Doji?! Must find out the host... Keep in mind; this is NOT common knowledge... Title: Re: Four srikes into exile. Post by: Kitsuki Masakaze on October 02, 2011, 06:25:35 PM Oh, I guessed. Just hoping it will crop up somehow ;)
Title: Re: Four srikes into exile. Post by: Kaiu Yosai on October 04, 2011, 07:54:13 PM Does this mean we are going to have to keep you away from lion?
Title: Re: Four srikes into exile. Post by: Kakita Miki on October 04, 2011, 08:25:01 PM Does this mean we are going to have to keep you away from lion? Not necessarily... maybe... sorta... No literary feedback? *weeps* Title: Re: Four srikes into exile. Post by: Kaiu Yosai on October 04, 2011, 08:36:20 PM Does this mean we are going to have to keep you away from lion? Not necessarily... maybe... sorta... No literary feedback? *weeps* Was not bad, short on few details but I tend for those kinds of writing plays to my cinematographer half. |